Beyond External Goals
As a coach, often I come across situations when the client is inadvertently tries to turn the session into therapy. This happens when the client is distracted by the habitual ruminations about a hurt in the past. There are distinct differences between coaching and therapy which makes it important for the coach to turn the helm swiftly to keep to the remit of the purpose.
One of these differences is that therapy mainly works with the past and present, while generally, coaching works with the present and the future.
To travel forward, requires a map, and this is why goal setting and action plans are the focus in coaching.
Here I want to explain why as a coach I often go beyond goal setting. And why after a point, achieving goals will not be enough.
The transitory lure of Dopamine
When a client seeks me for a particular job interview, or to enhance their confidence for an event in which they are public speaking, of course, we focus only on that goal. But here I am talking mostly about clients who are pursuing life transitions and change of mindset and habits.
Working as an integral and intuitive coach, not all the models I use are goal oriented although there are always milestones to look forward to and celebrate. I always explain and work in collaboration with my client to jointly decide on which model/s would fit our journey best.
Mostly, a client wishes to go from the point that they are at in their life, to another/a better point. The reason they seek a coach is often because they experience barriers, such as fear, lack of confidence, lack of options or limiting habits. For example, they suffer from freezing when in meetings with their seniors, or that despite their passion, they are scared to join the local hobby groups. So, it is vital to deal with those barriers to align their will to their path.
With proper coaching and their hard work, we reach the desired destination. However, it would not take long before they would feel something else is missing….and they either book more sessions with a coach for a new goal, or they use the old formula themselves hoping to have victory this time round as well. And a few weeks or months later this pattern repeats itself.
Most of us focus on the Why and How of achievement – and when we get to the What of it, we feel hollow. Like some people who just enjoy the thrill of the chase in a relationship, to others, attaining one goal after another replaces their purpose in life.
The idea of mindless progress becomes our master, and we end up with an exhausted soul.
Holistic = Sustainable
When I used to run weekly Mindfulness groups, I noticed that many participants depended on these sessions as the only time to become mindful and a couple of days after the session, they were stressed again and looked forward to the group next week to experience peace. The same way that meditation is not just closing our eyes and sitting in lotus position, transformation gained from a coach is also a way of being in the world, and not just for the purpose of escaping how we feel today.
The Integral Theory brings the yin and yang of life together, the internal and the external, the personal and the social. We can attain a goal in the relationship area. But the whole of the person is not content, because another domain now needs something, and this feeling of a missing link can continue with every area of life. I invite the client to think of themselves as a Diamond with many facets and to befriend and get comfortable with each part of themselves and to nurture and polish each part, a baby step at a time towards their inner calling. We plan general improvement in readiness to the feeling they desire to feel, now and in future.
Countertransference aside, to me, coaching is about sustainable internalised alignment. A process, with milestones of learning, and the client rightfully in the driving seat.
Beyond goals lies Active Contentment and that is always an inner event.